So very many things have been happening that I hardly know where to start. The kids are on spring break from school, we had our very best of friends from Michigan come visit us for three glorious and magical days full of good food and incredible conversation, we took a drive to the other side of the beltway and toured the most amazing straw bale home, projects long in the works are progressing at break-neck speed, and soul-sustaining dreams are manifesting right before my eyes. So much is happening, so much of exactly what I have been calling out to the Universe for for so long is happening, that I should be awash in gratitude for the sheer amount of abundance in my life. I should feel thankful and awed and amazed. I should be feeling light and full of hope and excitement.
I should? Uh-oh.
I am feeling those feelings, but only in tiny flashes. Only in the little bright flashes of clarity I allow myself when I am not spending my time completely freaking out. I asked for all of this, right? I asked the Universe loud and long for a community of like-minded families that would ‘get’ us and be able to support us on our journey toward our unique brand of authenticity. I asked to be guided to the work that would both fill my soul and share my unique creative gifts with the world. I asked the Universe for oh, so much. I remember my anguished cries with certainty. Yes, I asked for all of this.
Then I surrendered.
I offered up my hopes and my dreams and then, unnoticed, my life shifted. I don’t know when exactly my world tilted, but it is unrecognizable from the life I was living even a few months ago. I am spinning on an entirely new axis. After I called out to the Universe, I found myself in a new and quiet space. A space where I could finally begin to hear the timid voice I had buried down so deep that it was barely a whisper at first. This small voice encouraged me to start writing for the first time in my life. It kept me awake late one night, so I could birth this humble blog. It pulled me to look through my camera lens for the first time in years. It helped me notice the simple beauty all around me in ways I had forgotten.
To my surprise and astonishment, I found myself smiling more. I found myself falling in love all over again, both with my husband and with my children. I found myself beginning to find new friends. I found myself with a wild head of dreadlocks. I found myself crying tears of transformation. I found myself laughing healing laughter. I found myself singing. I finally, finally found myself within my tribe. I was guided to exactly what I needed.
Now I feel rocked to my core.
My life is new and different and unfamiliar. It feels oh, so good, but I constantly question it. How long can this joy possibly last? How many gifts am I really allowed to receive? How do I just let go of my deep rooted ‘issues’ and allow myself to fully relax into this new life I have found? This beautiful, amazing, abundant life that has found me and won’t let me go? Is this really happening? To me? Right now? How can I possibly deserve all of this blessedness?
Wow. I have so much more work to do.
Now my work is to discover how to live into this life I have been offered. To find a way to shed my self-doubt and step fully into myself. To allow myself to own this abundance. Don’t we all deserve to have the life we dream of? With hard work and dedication we should all be able to reach our full potential in this life, shouldn’t we? I have so many lessons to learn and man, oh man, am I learning them. I learn more and more about myself and the work I have yet to do every single day. It’s tough, messy, gut wrenching stuff, this self-awareness dream manifesting work. But, as much as I may freak out, as much as I may try to hold on to the unhealthy parts of me that long to pull me back into mediocrity, I have heard my soul speak. She may only whisper, but I know she is there. I am always listening.
I asked the Universe for answers, now I must simply listen.
Listen and believe.